My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
You Might Also Like
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?