Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.