Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I have many caverns
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.