MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*