MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*


Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.


CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what


Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.


Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?


I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.


“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”


“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”


My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.


*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*


Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..