@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@clichedout

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

@GoldenSpirals

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

@UnFitz

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

@juliussharpe

I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

@BradBroaddus

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

@Abusitron

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

@alwayzintruble

Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..