@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

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@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@thepunningman

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

@wickedblondeone

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

@Jay16282

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children

@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

@I_Mee_Myself_

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…