MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
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Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
So true for me
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.