leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Meet George Jetson
His Boy Elroy
Jane his wife
Just kidding, obviously. I’ll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Go home North Korea, you’re drunk.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.