Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Not messing around
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days