@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

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@thedad

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

@thehubrispanda

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

@DudeMass

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@MichaelTrying

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

@UnFitz

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

@HatfieldAnne

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.