Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.