Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’ve lost so many friends to babies.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.