facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
You Might Also Like
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish