@LoveNLunchmeat

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

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@mostlysharks

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories πŸ™‚

me: nah it’s okβ€”

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend πŸ™‚

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

@Aimiekins

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@OctopusCaveman

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

@punished_picnic

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

@neonwario

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming