Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.