@mostlysharks
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories ๐
me: nah itโs okโ
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend ๐
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
@LoveNLunchmeat
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
You Might Also Like
@mostlysharks
@pattinsonbats
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
@Aimiekins
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
@mimicz
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
@OctopusCaveman
Me: So I hear youโre the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasnโt me
Me: Impressive
@SentenceReduced
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
@punished_picnic
the problem with the classic robber getup is that itโs such a classic that you canโt really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
@neonwario
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
@Tmoney68
“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
@Dahmerscookpot
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming