mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
New tinder profile pic
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Put this video in the Louvre
The Friday File.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun