Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this