Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Breaking news:
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.