“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The asteroid..
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My dog learned how to text
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.