Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons