what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.
I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.
Which is why I eat well-loved children.
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…