“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.