@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

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@murrman5

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@okaypup

I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say “no, in fact, I’m just getting started”

@thepunningman

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…