“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
yeah no that’s fair
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!