Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”
*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*
“I love you mom”
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My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems
also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts