“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”


*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*

“I love you mom”

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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?


Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.


My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.


So I can’t go out drinking with friends, I’m stuck at home, no sex, just watching TV most of the time.

I’m phoning the registrar’s office first thing tuesday to see when I married Covid19.


[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.


A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.


My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”


Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.


Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will


Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you