@The_Grant_Boldt

“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”

“Okay”

*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*

“I love you mom”

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@KateWhineHall

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

@naazihah

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

@Kyle_Lippert

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

@gitson_shiggles

So I can’t go out drinking with friends, I’m stuck at home, no sex, just watching TV most of the time.

I’m phoning the registrar’s office first thing tuesday to see when I married Covid19.

@IndecisiveJones

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

@dad_on_my_feet

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

@Contwixt

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

@spinubzilla

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

@KKBowls

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It’s like a tattoo that yells at you