FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
You Might Also Like
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
#SuperBowl
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My neck, my back, my…
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.