@The_Grant_Boldt

“Mom can you pick me up a new comforter at the store?”

“Okay”

*Mom returns with Morgan Freeman*

“I love you mom”

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@stephanidek

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

@dimplesticks

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

@Dis0beyJay

Say what you want about cargo pants but no woman has ever turned down a guy who can carry 7 puppies at once

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

@Mom_Overboard

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@MatCro

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

@donni

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts