@mom_tho

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

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@seamusmckracken

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

@SortaBad

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

@plainsongcure

Why must people look at me so strangely when I dance in my car to the music they are playing in their car?

@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

@BruppFWTX

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

@007Pepe_Rex

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.