“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If snakes were wide
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.