Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
This is Sparta
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Just grow your own
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.