Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My love language is deader than Latin
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want