mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
$4 #usedbooks
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Natural selection at its finest
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.