i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
pictures of spider-man
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.