me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)
Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me
You Might Also Like
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Strangers have the best candy.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you kinda sorta wanna know.
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁