@froghammer

Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me

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@iwearaonesie

[texting]
me: I just left and I already miss you
wife *typing response*
me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

@schumyxxx

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

@Havish_AF

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

@gabbazaba

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁