They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.