When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[day 7 of quarantine]
∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’