Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.