Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
You Might Also Like
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My circle of trust is a meatball
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.