“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
How boring my life has become!
The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?