mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly

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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”


I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.


If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*


In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.


Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !


A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo


Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*


How boring my life has become!

The only time I hear myself say, “I’m coming” is when I’m trying to tell my dog I’m getting his food ready!


Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?