Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Stop sending me this shit.
life finds a way