mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
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My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.