@Im_Tricia

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

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@Mostly_Cheese

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

@QwertyJones3

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: I’m going to ask Donald if he wants something to eat
Barack: That’s nice, Joe
Joe: And then I’m going to offer him knuckle sandwiches

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@humanaaron

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

@PetrickSara

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@Proxic0n

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?