Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I know this now 😂
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”