If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
No laws when master is gone
Joe: I’m going to ask Donald if he wants something to eat
Barack: That’s nice, Joe
Joe: And then I’m going to offer him knuckle sandwiches
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?