I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?