MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that

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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.


I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.


My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.


Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.


Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.


5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on


Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.


I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.

I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.