mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Florida be like…
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.