mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
they split up moments later
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering