Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
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I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread