Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now