*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.