Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂
BED BUG: *tries to bite me*
ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no
BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool
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Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?
Me: You mean…other than wifi?
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work sir.”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.