My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
This is hilarious….
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.