MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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Hot Panini is in big trouble
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I donât see the problem, donât touch my cat
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please donât ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I get it cicadas Iâm ready to scream for six weeks too
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that arenât cargo?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
i donât get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i donât
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me:
Remember when we didnât have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking wonât load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.