Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Family Celebrity

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂