Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes