Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.