watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.