@BadLuck_Brian: Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
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@abhorrent_wife: Hi, I'm Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as "No, YOUR face is stupid" and "I didn't trip you, you fell".
@jake_lach: When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day. ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
@Brampersandon_: GOD: ask me anything ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters? GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*