@BadLuck_Brian

Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian

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@jimmytorosian

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

@withanewname

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

@shwebby3

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

@SatansTongue

Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem