@BadLuck_Brian

Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian

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@FeralCrone

4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.

@GroovyTasia

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

@fubwat

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

@lisaxy424

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@alexmeyerrr

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

@notchyos

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless it lives with a woman

@ChabbyD

You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.

@Steven37366100

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No