Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub