Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You Might Also Like
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Buck naked
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
This is my emotional support knife.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones