@TheOnion

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

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@mrtruthandsoul

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

@_troyjohnson

Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.

@sandjoeman

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

@RobertJrDowney

I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

@robdelaney

Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.