Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
black phone good
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
cause of death:
autopsy.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I can’t wait!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.