Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”


me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on


Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.


People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.


(Flintstones theme song)
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city


Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges


The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.


I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.


*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.


Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.