@TheOnion

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

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@mommy_cusses

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

@NYorNothing

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

@KeetPotato

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@DoctorLFC

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

@anerdonfire2

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@angibangie

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy