MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
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I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
May have had one breakfast too many
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.