@TweetPotato314

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

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@ThatMummyLife

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

@DanMentos

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

@Home_Halfway

“Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.” – John Lennon, the world’s worst Clue player