Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
why no one uses midhusbands
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Watson was Holmes schooled
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.