Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Monday
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
found this cool rock hiking today
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon