Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!
Very funny Mom!
You Might Also Like
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she’s not a “clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend” through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
3yo: I need to pee!
Me: Well, go then!
3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!
Me: Then go!
3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!
Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.