@LorieGZ

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

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@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@realfunghi

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

@joemcshutup

Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she’s not a “clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend” through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

@ficklenuts

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

@dadthatwrites

3yo: I need to pee!

Me: Well, go then!

3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!

Me: Then go!

3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!

@StephenBCramer

Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.

@geekonursleeve

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

@shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.