The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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Their fitness instructor is very short.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
Do you have diet horse?
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.