@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

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@joshgondelman

The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@SpokenDamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
wtf
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police

@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

@Quadricycle

[At restaurant]
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
[To waiter]
Do you have diet horse?

@daemonic3

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@ginnyhogan_

I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.