MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
How to woo a woman
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
The first matador