Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.