@FunnyBison

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

- @FunnyBison

You Might Also Like

@therealeatwood

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

@girlontapas

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

@ScorpionDong

The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes

@Reel2Dialog2

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

@DominicStraw

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”