MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?